Get Out of Your Mind

Having one of those nights.. I need to be up at six tomorrow but I can’t stop thinking about him. Not in a loveydovey, obsessive, put a picture of him in a locket way, don’t get me wrong because that’s not what it’s like. I’m just imagining the next time we’ll see each other, wondering what exactly we are, analyzing our last conversations.. to reference the ever sage Ke$ha, his love is my drug. I’m addicted and I love the rush, what a cliché. More importantly, though, is the other side of a drug most people overlook. It’s great while you’re on it, but then you crash, you crave, you can’t function without it. This boy, he’s more like a drug because he’s killing me. The pleasure is spiked with so much pain. I’m destroying myself inside: quod me nutrit me destruit (what nourishes me, destroys me - a latin phrase I intend to tattoo somewhere on my body.) I can’t handle the land of ambiguous words, wasted nights, subtle heartbreak, but I also can’t live anywhere else. To top it off, there is a haunting truth that hurts me most of all. While my body screams out to be near him, while I look in the mirror and only judge myself for the flaws he might find, while he races through my mind a million times a day, deep down I know he hasn’t thought about me once. 

can you just tell me? could you just take one minute and be honest? I want to know why you care, or why you’re bothering with my heart if you don’t. I want to know why we gravitate towards each other, why I know the way to your basement in the dark, why I know which couch is the comfiest. I want to know how we’ve watched Pineapple Express, a movie I find to be a little overrated, three whole times, why so many nights we’re back in this same place. I want to know what runs through your brain when you hear my name, when you hear my voice, when you feel my touch. I want to know why these questions are burning so fiercely through my brain, and how you can sit there so calm and relaxed while I’m screaming on the inside. I know I’m not the only girl… I know it’s summer and you’re free and you have never been faithful in the past. I know I try to ignore your texts because you hurt me, but at the end of the day I can’t give you up. For you I break the rules. I’ve run from the cops. I’ve lied to my parents. I’ve smoked and I’ve drank and do you even remember that one time I lost my innocence, with you. This is our fourth summer playing this game. Fall comes, and we part ways. Yet when the air becomes hot and sticky, when the grass turns green and that Virginia sky is blue as ever, when I come home from school we find each other, somehow. I guess what I’m really trying to say is, I don’t understand you, and I don’t understand us, at all. xx M