Get Out of Your Mind

Having one of those nights.. I need to be up at six tomorrow but I can’t stop thinking about him. Not in a loveydovey, obsessive, put a picture of him in a locket way, don’t get me wrong because that’s not what it’s like. I’m just imagining the next time we’ll see each other, wondering what exactly we are, analyzing our last conversations.. to reference the ever sage Ke$ha, his love is my drug. I’m addicted and I love the rush, what a cliché. More importantly, though, is the other side of a drug most people overlook. It’s great while you’re on it, but then you crash, you crave, you can’t function without it. This boy, he’s more like a drug because he’s killing me. The pleasure is spiked with so much pain. I’m destroying myself inside: quod me nutrit me destruit (what nourishes me, destroys me - a latin phrase I intend to tattoo somewhere on my body.) I can’t handle the land of ambiguous words, wasted nights, subtle heartbreak, but I also can’t live anywhere else. To top it off, there is a haunting truth that hurts me most of all. While my body screams out to be near him, while I look in the mirror and only judge myself for the flaws he might find, while he races through my mind a million times a day, deep down I know he hasn’t thought about me once. 

can you just tell me? could you just take one minute and be honest? I want to know why you care, or why you’re bothering with my heart if you don’t. I want to know why we gravitate towards each other, why I know the way to your basement in the dark, why I know which couch is the comfiest. I want to know how we’ve watched Pineapple Express, a movie I find to be a little overrated, three whole times, why so many nights we’re back in this same place. I want to know what runs through your brain when you hear my name, when you hear my voice, when you feel my touch. I want to know why these questions are burning so fiercely through my brain, and how you can sit there so calm and relaxed while I’m screaming on the inside. I know I’m not the only girl… I know it’s summer and you’re free and you have never been faithful in the past. I know I try to ignore your texts because you hurt me, but at the end of the day I can’t give you up. For you I break the rules. I’ve run from the cops. I’ve lied to my parents. I’ve smoked and I’ve drank and do you even remember that one time I lost my innocence, with you. This is our fourth summer playing this game. Fall comes, and we part ways. Yet when the air becomes hot and sticky, when the grass turns green and that Virginia sky is blue as ever, when I come home from school we find each other, somehow. I guess what I’m really trying to say is, I don’t understand you, and I don’t understand us, at all. xx M

So had strangest night in a while last night. I get home and am in bed, it’s probably around one thirty or two, when I get a phone call from an unknown number I vaguely recognize. As fate would have it, it’s a figment of my past ringing me up to apologize. Brief run down of our three year history: dated freshman year, I dumped him. From then on, we remained close but tumultuous, he loved me, I loved him as my closest friend, I tell him the secrets I couldn’t tell others, yada yada yada. So at the beginning of this year, things got bad - we had a classic fight like we have at least once a month and he finally crossed the line: said things about my family, my mental health, etc… it was bad news bears. the result: I severed my ties, didn’t speak to him for months. We’d be in the same room and avert eye contact, we truly acted as if the other didn’t exist. I’m a junior and he’s a senior, and even at his graduation, we locked eyes, I said my goodbyes to the person next to him, and we parted ways. I thought it would be an unspoken goodbye, forever. Well, he called to apologize for a year of treating me like shit, a year seeing that his best friend was struggling and being too big of a dick to do anything about it, a year that we lost together. I was absolutely stunned. I wasn’t in the mood to argue, I let him speak his peace, but then he acted as if he had a right to be in my life again. He started talking about how  important it was for him to know that I was okay and told me to, I quote, “show me yourself fully exposed.” and no, he doesn’t mean nudie pics, he wanted me to open up to someone who had become a stranger, who I had missed and who I needed desperately to help get me through this year but wasn’t there for me. So guess what I did next? I told him to shove it. and now I am fairly certain that our three year saga has come to an official close. Here’s to praying that our paths never cross in the future, xx M